Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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