Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I wish you could order shots online.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
