I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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