I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
