we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
