just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
