I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
