I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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