I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
he was CRYING into my vagina
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
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