I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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