I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Randomize
