So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
