I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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