I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
