This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
