shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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