Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
