im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
