A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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