I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
