this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I deserve this hangover.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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