you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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