If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
the raccoons are back...
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