May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
