Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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