Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Randomize
