I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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