Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
