lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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