It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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