I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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