a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
