Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
