Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
