omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
