somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
