Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
