Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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