Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
