I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
