just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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