I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
PANTIES FOUND
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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