Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Randomize
