dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Randomize
