If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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