I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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