I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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