I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
