I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
