Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I just want nice things and good sex
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize