I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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