saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
