There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
