My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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