the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
