he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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