FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
