are you so shy because you have an std?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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