you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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