I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
