Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
