I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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