then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
