Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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